you are deteriorating, decaying, decomposing into the monotony of normalcy
never forget the beginning
how do i start? with a clever quip, a witty comment on reality and consciousness? how about with a gloomy statement about existence and the transient nature of my happiness?
warm summer sky blue.
i understand you’re just doing what you need to do
but what i don’t understand is why you need to do it
i think about the information and how it drives through my head like a speeding monorail. how the anxieties and fears are nothing more than chemicals stirring up in my limbic system. my paleomammalian brain. my ideas are just electric currents, my feelings only synapses firing away. fight or flight, or freeze or faint. and maybe i freeze up a lot. flight, definitely. my wings are bigger than any you’ve ever seen, poised and ready to fly away at the slightest sign of danger. but my feathers are being worn away from the brighter, more hopeful side of my life. i let my brain chemistry take over. forgetting logic and quantum physics, forgetting science and facts. and just letting the human thought process engulf me in emotions and memories and incomprehensible
nonsense that the delicate tick tick ticking inside this head creates. which is real?
is the theory of failed existence correct? is it possible that when i don’t observe that chair, when i’m not seeing it, it can cease to be there? cease to sit in subtle comfort, in the stable position of where it’s meant to be. but there’s no way to quantify if even humans fail to exist when not being observed. and in a way i feel that i do stop being once i am left to myself. is that codependency? is that just my sympathetic nervous system controlling these ideas? i can’t help but feel apathy, feel anger and disgust for thinking about these things. i know i am whole by myself - i wasn’t born half a person. i need no other person or thing to “complete me”. but my survival brain, that stubborn reptilian bullshit that just gets in the way takes charge of my physical being and causes anxiety. nausea. dilated pupils. increased heart rate. increased renin from my kidneys. dilated bronchioles. and my stomach tightens. is this the fear of being alone? of being hurt? of being tormented, traumatized again? of being used, or being abused, or being lost in another human being? is this all just a giant waste of time? should i live my life devoid of emotion, pursuing nothing but logical truth? of creating nothing, but discovering the answers to the most challenging of science’s questions. is this what i should become? is this even possible? but if you lack sadness, and mania and anger, you lack euphoria, happiness and creativity. without the lows you can’t have the highs. the yins but no yangs. the darks but no light. hm, the draw is strong in favor of sociopathy. i envy them sometimes. to go through life only capable of caring about your life, your future, you you you. it’s a selfish, heartless, loveless life but a life created all for yourself. not trying to fix others or detract from your own happiness for the sake of another. but i can’t even imagine such a life. my own sanity hinges on helping out my fellow comrades in the fight to live through this society. i live to increase the quality of life for those i care for. even those i don’t. i waste most of my energy on such behavior. but it fulfills a need. it fulfills my sense of purpose in this world. and maybe it’s not so bad, as long as i remember that i’m a person too. if i stop forgetting about my existence when i’m not looking at me.
sitting in the darkness, in the isolation of singularity. the desolation of this information resonating in my thoughts. i think about the darkness, the beat, the bass, the feeling of intricacy in my emotions. my dreams become my waking thoughts. my never-ending lucid nightmare. i can change it but i can’t believe it. i can’t understand the next move, the next choice to make things right. to turn this scary vision of the past into a bright, hopeful beginning, to take it from darkness to bright. turn it around from the cyclone of despair and the webs of slowly creeping black into the spun string of indifference and confidence. to a place where the silk melts into my brain, the beauty and strength drape gracefully across my cerebellum. i feel creativity now, the liquid motion of outrageous hues streaming through consciousness. words just flow from my mind down through my fingers, playing to the music. the sound of madness deepening but the clarity of sanity growing larger. feeling like my life is a motion picture. the soundtrack blasting into my ears at all times. the director yelling emotions, commands. thoughts of originality leave as the autopilot takes over. the dictation. the director. the narrator. smile. the madness taking over. i’m not really feeling your remorse. overwhelming. make me believe it! losing my head, my thoughts, my mind. stop faking it. but what else can i do? SMILE!!
and over and over and over.
watching fringe. this kush hits my fucking brain like a ton of bricks. like the red bricks my house is made of. like the building blocks of life. of intellectualism. of supernatural-ism. of anesthetics. of aesthetics.
i try to fascinate
my mind with the thoughts of webs
and spiders red
weaving in the lines of the processes in my head
i feel it reverberate in time
with the words in my mind
of the new divide
i try to calculate
while i navigate
in the vastness of the abyss
while i hear the ocean hiss
the waves grow and sway
and move away
from the center of the dark
to the sands